


In the Aftermath

by EchoSilverWolf



Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: After the Grave visit, Angst, Feelings, Feelings of Loss, Johnlock Roulette, M/M, POV Sherlock Holmes, Post-Reichenbach, Sherlock Holmes & John Watson Friendship, Sherlock Holmes Has Feelings, Sherlock Holmes Misses John Watson, Sherlock Thinking, Time after The Fall but before Sherlock leaves
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-13
Updated: 2017-11-13
Packaged: 2019-02-01 17:20:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12709434
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EchoSilverWolf/pseuds/EchoSilverWolf
Summary: In the week following The Fall, Sherlock is stuck in Molly's flat before leaving the country.Alone, bored, and stuck with nothing to do but re-live the worst day of his life. Realizing the impact his suicide had on John...and what John's reaction to his "death" had on him.Not Betaed





	In the Aftermath

_ This is hateful! _

He kicks the frilly yellow throw pillow off the edge of the floral sofa that has been his bed the past few days. It's tedious not being able to leave, knowing he is being monitored now after his one escape to visit his own grave.

He has no phone. No experiments. No cases. No John. Nothing except this obnoxiously small, very  _ female _ flat. 

Nothing at all to do but watch crap telly and replay one of the worst days of his life. Even Molly has only been around sporadically, and she lives here!

He had managed sneaking the one trip out before Mycroft caught him. He had to.

_ John _

He had followed them to the cemetery. Stayed to the shadows. Just to see them both once more before he leaves. A sort of silent goodbye.

What he hadn't planned for was witnessing John break down at his headstone. 

_ the best man and the most human... human being that I've ever known _

John had said those things. About him. The man was a catacomb of compliments on any given day, but this,this was different. No one says those types of things about him. No one has been so kind...

_ I was... I was so alone. And I owe you so much. _

“No, John”, he mumbles out loud, “I am the one that owes you”

_ One more thing. One more miracle, Sherlock, for me. Don't... be... dead. Would you, just for me, just stop it? Stop this. _

“I'm so sorry, John” he say aloud to the empty sitting area.

He knew seeing someone one is close to commit suicide would be  _ a bit not good _ . Emotions and human nature have never been his strong area, he expected it to be bad at the scene of his “suicide”,  but he didn't expect almost a week later, for his “death” to be affecting John so badly. For him to look so  _ lost.  _ So miserable.

A miscalculation.

John begging him not to be dead. John crying. John  _ missing _ him.

_ Miscalculation _

_ Miscalculated _

_ Missed _

_ I miss you too _

That bit was also unplanned for. For the emotional part to go both ways. John misses him. He misses John. Misses his making him eat. Misses his constant chastising about the state of the freezer. Misses the slow tapping of his typing. Misses his god awful jumpers...and the 24 different ways that he smiles…

This was most certainly not something he had considered at the time, not factoring in his own emotions in the aftermath.

He goes over every scenario again and again to figure out how this part could have been avoided. He had tried to send John away, yet, had he not foreseen that it would still have ended the same with or without John witnessing it. He would still miss John and John would still be hurting.

For some reason this thought is extremely distressing. He did that. He hurt the only real friend he has ever had, the one person he...cares about most, and now has to go on hurting him, and pretend to be dead for who knows how long. He may actually wind up  _ dead _ before he can even try to fix it.

He never factored in sentiment. Emotional trauma. Or that he might mean so much to anyone.

_ Taking your own life. Odd phrase that. _

_ It's not you who you are taking it from. It's everyone else. It's not you who will  _ miss _ it.  _

_ John misses it...me. _

It's always something. He never considered people might truly miss him.  He didn't intend to hurt them. To hurt  _ him _ . It was necessary regardless, sad but alive is infinitely better than dead. He’d have rather actually hit that pavement than lose John. Still, he has a stabbing pain in his chest every time he remembers,  _ feels,  _ John's shaky hand clasped at his wrist. Or the small and panicking “let me through, he's my friend”

_ Friend. He's my friend. _

No. This was a horrible miscalculation and he has no way to make it right.

 _No way to fix this broken version of_ _the bravest, kindest man I've ever_ _met_.

The tightness in his chest reaches uncomfortable levels and his eyes sting. This is why sentiment is abhorrent. How do people stand these  _ feelings? _

A heavy ball of fur lands in his lap, jolting him out of his own head, and he instinctively shoves it off in irritation, getting an indignant hiss in return.  Toby’s gold eyes glare at him from the carpet. He glares back. 

This whole situation is  _ hateful. _


End file.
